“The trouble with ‘if only’ is that it doesn’t change anything. It keeps the person facing the wrong way- backward instead of forward. It wastes time. In the end, if you let it become a habit, it can become a real roadblock; an excuse for not trying anymore.
Now take your own case: your plans did not work out. Why? Because you made certain mistakes. Well that’s all right: everyone makes mistakes. Mistakes are what we learn from. But then you were telling me about them, lamenting this, regretting that, you weren’t really learning from them.”
“How do you know then?”
“Because, you never got out of the past tense. Not once did you mention the future. And in a way- be honest, now!- you were enjoying it. There’s perverse streak in all of us that makes us like to hash over old mistakes. After all, when you relate the story of some disaster or disappointment that has happened to you, you’re still the chief character, still in the center of the stage.”
“Well, what’s the remedy?”
“Shift the focus, change the key words and substitute a phrase that supplies lift instead of creating drag.”
“Do you have such a phrase to recommend?”
“Certainly, Strike out the words ‘if only’; substitute the phrase ‘next time.’ ”
” ‘Next time?’ “
“That’s right. I’ve seen it work minor miracles right here in this room. As long as a patient keeps on saying ‘if only’ to me, he’s in trouble. But when he’s on his way to overcoming to his problem. It means he has decided to apply the lessons he has learned form his experience, however grim or painful it may have been. It means he’s going to push aside the roadblock of regret, move forward, take action, resume living. Try it yourself. You’ll see…”
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